Okay, that’s enough with the quotes. Let us return to The List from last week. Sadly all the obvious properties of water have been used, so it’s going to get very science-y.
I come forth to deliver a warning. The food you eat, the beverages you drink, the liquid running from all your taps – they contain the odourless, colourless chemical dihydogren monoxide. This chemical is known to be the basis of many adverse health effects, including gene mutation and cell lysis. It is home to countless pathogens and it allows the transmission of numerous diseases across the globe, yet we still expose ourselves to it every day. It has been and still continues to be a major cause of environmental erosion and the destruction of millions of residences worldwide.
At the moment I write this post my eyes are swollen, my nose is itchy and leaking, my floor is littered with crumpled up tissues, and I lay in my bed squinting at the brightness of the screen. I reach over to my bedside table to grab another tissue but… disaster strikes. There are no more. An oozy sneeze escapes my mouth, mocking my misfortunes. Oh, how I do love summer. Why is it that at this time of the year so many people mutate into snotty, swollen creatures? It seems like some kind of cruel practical joke so that we unlucky few are unable to fully enjoy our summer vacation.